I Dated My Enemy III

I didn’t plan for this story to extend to a part 3, but here we are. It just felt as though there was more that I should share and speak about. In part one, I talked about the early relationship dynamics; part two focused on the later relationship dynamics and how it ultimately came to an end; and this part will majorly focus on the aftermath of the breakup—the emotional turmoil, him coming back, and me moving on.

I will always say that the breakup was an act of mercy from God. Somebody somewhere probably prayed for me because it was like God looked down at me and said to the angels, “Let’s just help this girl.” I sent him a breakup message after I decided that I was done with everything. He barely responded to the message, which low-key made me wonder why he didn’t try to convince me to stay like the other times it happened. Even the worst partners beg and plead when the other has had enough. I get to understand now that it was mercy. Mercy isn’t always kind.

I believe that God allowed him to be amply distracted. This isn’t something I can confirm from what I saw or heard, but it’s what I believe happened. He had just moved to a new department, which meant he was seeing new faces, new coursemates, new girls, and he’d definitely not want to be held down. In his perspective, the grass was greener and he’d love the freedom to explore, hence why he took the news of the breakup like a champ. This enabled me to go a couple of months with absolutely no contact with him and focus on healing.

Surprisingly, I was over him and the relationship way quicker than I thought it would take me. I stopped loving him and stopped missing our relationship in no longer than two weeks, but that didn’t equate to me being healed. He had done a lot of damage, especially in the aspect of my esteem. He particularly made me feel less for not having my career path all figured out. He had called me visionless and said we couldn’t work together. Apparently, the girl who was unclear about her career path was obviously no match for the guy whose main source of income was betting. One of the first things I learned was that nobody had the right to treat me like trash, no matter the phase of my life—the phase where I’m unclear about the path I am to take and the one where I have it figured out.

Every reason he had for believing I wasn’t on his level was shallow and reflected a backward mentality. In this day and age, he believed that he was superior because of the course he was set to study, when it isn’t strange for people to work and have meaningful lives in fields almost completely opposite from what they pursued educationally. Even people who pursue professional courses like his abandon them for a career outside that field and still lead meaningful lives.

Keep in mind that I wasn’t totally unclear on what I’d ultimately be doing with my life. I’ve always known that, or at least I’ve always had a glimpse since growing up. The only problem I have is communicating these dreams, as I believe nobody would quite understand. The question “What do you want to become?” is complicated to me because I can’t sum it up in one word, and my dreams have always been so personal to me that I’m just uncomfortable talking about them. This has then led many people to interpret it as confusion.

In the first three months, I was doing things I had been procrastinating on for the longest time. I started making new steps as regards my career. I had more clarity and felt significantly more confident; people said I was radiating so much of it. It was as though I had a new life. I was focusing on different things, and I knew that I didn’t want him in it. I had just gotten into my second year in uni. Exams were about to be tougher, and I knew I couldn’t work with the same heaviness that I did in my first year. This boy was literally a weight that made running the course of life harder for me. I remember that I told God once that I didn’t want issues from this boy in my second year. I said that it could be another boy, in fact—not just the same one that troubled me in my first year.

Even though I made significant progress during those months, I was simultaneously dealing with heaviness; I would say I was wearing sadness like a coat. I was also aware that I shouldn’t have been feeling those emotions. The sadness I felt was like that of a loser and not one that was just freed from an ugly situation. Does it make sense that anyone who gets delivered would be sad afterwards? It just felt like I lost, even though I clearly didn’t from a logical standpoint.

My For You page on TikTok was filled with breakup advice, which definitely had a place in my healing process. I understood that I was dealing with a narcissist the whole time. I also got videos where they’d say that men always come back, and that sounded so good to me—not because I wanted him back, but because I wanted to reject him. That would mean that I won, but I doubted that he would, since he didn’t try to stop me when I left. I quickly understood that the thought of exes coming back is only pleasing to the unhealed self; the version of you that’s completely healed would take their coming back as an insult. But did he come back? Yes, and way quicker than I thought.

He made three major attempts. I gave him no ears the first time (he asked one of his homeboys to add me to a group chat, which I left immediately), but I was so pissed. I was pissed because it was through this same homeboy that he relayed the message that he never loved me and that everything we shared was a lie. He said that he didn’t care about anything I heard regarding the thing he did when we were still together. This homeboy left out things that were too bad to say. He then used this same homeboy to try to convince me to get back with him. I was actually angry and was crashing out.

I communicated how I felt to this homeboy, who then became the middleman, and he convinced me to talk to him. I agreed on the terms that we wouldn’t break no contact afterwards and would not get back together. I regretted that choice. He just pulled one of his manipulation stunts, acting like the victim and claiming that he was sadder than me.

A couple of days after that interaction, I sent him messages cussing him out and told him that he was my biggest mistake in 2024. He then blocked me, and I sent a message to the homeboy: “Tell him to block my other line too, and he should ignore me if we see each other in person. I’m not anybody’s ex. Being associated with him is defamation of character. He’s a very stupid person.”

The last time he reached out to me directly, he finally admitted to cheating, even though he claimed it was with just one person, and also apologized. But I knew he wasn’t apologizing because he was sorry; he only did that because he wanted me back. If he didn’t want me back, he wouldn’t bother to apologize. He tried to justify the things he said about me after the breakup, claiming that it was normal to do so because he wanted to hide the pain. He said that I should forgive and forget and stop holding grudges. He also called me a clown when I said that I didn’t remember the exact date we broke up (I always remember dates; I guess he took note). He was so surprised when I wasn’t budging; he claimed I wasn’t hearing him. Then I asked directly if he wanted us to get back together or just be friends. He then said that he wanted to meet in person, in school. I told him that I wasn’t sure when I’d be there (I was sure; I’d be there the next day).

The next day came, and I was contemplating telling him that I was going to be around, but I heard a voice: “Let him lose you.” And so I texted him that we should remain no contact, like how we were those few months, and then completely blocked him. That was the last time he contacted me directly.

Bringing back the issue of feeling like the loser: following the shallow agenda that he was that way to me because he didn’t like me promoted that idea and contrasted the reason why I completely shut that door. I heard “Let him lose you,” but why are people then painting me like the loser? I honestly can’t blame them. People will only make deductions based on what they see. They definitely didn’t see the heights of his behaviour, and I didn’t even capture the heights here too.

At a point, I genuinely had to ask God who lost. His answer: “You lost weight, and the devil lost you.”

At some point, I felt as though I had wasted other potential relationships by being in one with him. I had told him one time that he and the relationship weren’t worth anything, which is true. He just wasn’t worth the amount of loyalty I gave him. I would feel guilty even if I gave someone who I knew liked me an audience, all for a guy who was bad-mouthing me to those he was cheating with. But looking at the amount of naivety I had back then, if it wasn’t him, it would have been another. The guys I rejected because of him weren’t the type I would have chosen anyway. So did I really lose anything?

One thing I’d say I lost to the relationship is my ability to love wholeheartedly. I seemed so untouched in that aspect, so I was loving innocently, and I feared that I wouldn’t love that way again. He was the worst person to give innocent love to. The right person would have recognized the naivety I had and felt the need to protect it rather than take advantage of it.

Some people might say that men like him aren’t going to marry themselves, which is totally true, and that is why you have to make sure it’s not you they marry.

On the topic of forgiveness, to say that I have forgiven him is a stretch because people who have reached the point of forgiveness have the capacity to wish those who hurt them well, and I honestly don’t. I also don’t wish evil on him. I just don’t care whatever he does with his life or what he chooses to become. I don’t hate him, and neither do I like him in the slightest way. I don’t have any feelings towards him, and I know it’s not the same as forgiveness.

When I was asking God about moving on, He gave me three steps: forgive, ignore, and forget. When it comes to forgiveness, I’m also not a saint and have hurt people. I looked at the things I had done to others and said that if I had known better, I wouldn’t have done the things that I did. I was made to understand that I was to make that same approach to this situation, giving him the benefit of the doubt that if he indeed knew better, he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did.

One thing about the world is that it teaches half-truths: “Everyone knows what they’re doing,” which is true—we’re all aware of our actions—but we’re not aware of their ultimate consequences. Jesus asked the Father to forgive those who were mocking Him while He was on the cross on the account that they didn’t know what they were doing. Those people knew that they were mocking Jesus, but they didn’t know what it meant to mock the Son of God.

Ignoring had to do with the narrative that was being passed. I should simply ignore whatever people were saying.

Forgetting didn’t imply what people would mean when they say “forgive and forget.” To forget meant to leave it in the past and not bring it along with me into the future.

Keep in mind that all this doesn’t mean that God wouldn’t serve justice when and how He deems fit. He’s a law student anyway, so he shouldn’t have a problem with justice being served.

It’s a wrap for real this time. I was contemplating on changing the title or sharing this in another form but I believed that would have reduced the essence of the idea. I hope this was a good read and feel free to leave your thoughts.